Helping Children Cope with the Virginia Tech Shootings

Limit children's exposure to TV - How TV communicates about these events is horrifying for children. Make interpersonal communication the main way they learn about what has happened and about the ongoing events that unfold as the world responds to this story.

Be there for your children - Give your children extra attention and warmth at this time. Answer their questions; be as reassuring as possible; your calming presence and caring attention are what they need most.

Recognize that children of different ages have different needs at this time.

OUR YOUNGEST CHILDREN (Birth through 6 years): For this group, "seeing is believing" - vivid visual images and startling, emotional sounds affect them the most. To them, whatever they see on television is real, and it is happening while they are watching. What will upset them the most are visual images of people crying or screaming, sounds of gunfire, the movement of swat teams, or seeing wounded victims being rushed away. And especially, for all ages, the horrible images that the shooter created himself, with his expressions of rage and his menacing poses with weapons. If the images are replayed again and again, the events will seem to be happening again and again. Preschoolers will be less likely to be upset by the commentary of announcers if it is matter-of-fact, rather than emotional. But gruesome images and horrified emotional expressions will unsettle them the most. The distressed reactions of their loved ones will also disturb them.

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CHILDREN (Age 7 to 12): These children will have a more concrete understanding of what a school shooting means. They will understand that innocent people were killed and that this happened at a place that's supposed to be peaceful. They will be most concerned about their own and their family's current and continuing safety, and they may worry about their own school.

TEENAGERS AND BEYOND (age 13 and up): These children will be horrified by the same things as younger children, but in addition, they will understand the difficulties inherent in maintaining security in a free society. They may be thinking of themselves as college students in the near future and worrying about their safety then; or they may conclude that the story has implications for security in the school they attend now. They will be seeking answers to the question of "why?" and will also be searching for solutions that will permit them to assure their own safety.

Limit exposure to TV - This means any channel that provides updates on the on the story. Try to prevent your children from stumbling into something horrifying. Don't leave the TV on . . . Find a way to get your own updates without subjecting your children to the news. You yourself will cope better if you limit your own exposure, and if you are obsessing about the unfolding events, your children will sense it and become more anxious themselves.

Children will undoubtedly have worried questions about these images and events, and you may be at a loss as to how to handle them. Keep in mind that they are turning to you mainly for reassurance. You of course should not lie to them, but you can be most helpful by finding the most reassuring way to phrase your answers. Your conversations about the events should be tailored to the age and comprehension capabilities of your child. What works best for children in situations like this is the calm, unequivocal, limited truth. Say just enough so your response makes sense to them. Don't feel that you have to inform them about all the other things that might have happened or that could happen.

For children under the age of 7 or 8, what you say isn't as important as your calm warmth and attention. Acknowledge their fears and then get involved in some other activities. This is why I wrote the children's book TEDDY'S TV TROUBLES. It tells the story of a little bear who has been scared by something on TV and shows what he and his mother do to calm him down and make him feel better. It provides a an appealing framework for parents to help their children cope.

Don't give them any more than they're asking for or more than they need to know. Stress, in any way that you can, the fact that they and your family and friends are safe; that their school has security procedures; that, from this situation, we all are learning better ways to protect students and to identify people who may be troubled. Find any kind of reassuring "spin" you can (without lying). Even if you yourself are horrified or worried, there is no advantage in having your child traumatized, miserable, and unable to sleep. What your child needs most is a way to feel secure.

As children reach their teen years, you can have more meaningful conversations with them about these issues. Let them know that you're there to discuss their fears and anxieties with them. Urge them to moderate their media exposure to the coverage for their own mental health.

If your child seems obsessed with the story and is having difficulty coping, it may help for younger children to express their feelings by drawing pictures; older children and adults benefit by writing about their feelings. Just getting your feelings out on paper can be very helpful.

Whatever you do, don't bring breaking news of events like this into the classroom even though it may be tempting to have your students "live history." This happened in many schools during the Columbine tragedy, and it happened with 9/11 as well. Children need not and should not be dragged through unfolding horrific events in "real time." Television, with its emphasis on speed and sensationalism, will provide the worst-case scenario for informing children. If it seems appropriate or necessary to provide children with updates or announcements, these should be presented in words and in a calm, non-sensational manner that satisfies their information needs without adding to the trauma.

Television: Make exposure to the upsetting content predictable. If you must interrupt scheduled programming with breaking news, don't do it with sirens and screams and vivid visual images; give parents time to change the channel, mute the sound, or get the children out of the room.

Restrain your instinct to repeat and repeat those same sensational images -- none of us need to see them again. Realize that for young children, you are showing them what they will experience as yet another massacre.

Newspapers: Keep your images bloodied victims and from the shooter's "press kit" off the front (or back) page! Young children are much more likely to see them on the outside, and readers can easily look inside if they want to see them.

Parents: Speak out and let the media know how you feel about the coverage. The media, of course, want the widest possible audience for their advertisers, but they are also sensitive to complaints.